Click here to read a letter dated February 28, 2010.
Click here to read a letter dated August 02, 2008.
April 26, 2005
Dear Laura ...
Many years ago I kept a journal into which I recorded all of my favorite times spent with you and what we did during my visitations to see you and your sister. When I read through my journal nowadays, I pray that you grew up to value family life and appreciate important relationships. I try to picture you as you are today. I wonder what you remember, what you have come to believe about me and whether I have been some sort of fire-breathing dragon in your life. I wonder if you see me as someone who abused you. I wonder if you have questioned why I disappeared from your life. I wonder if you would ever allow me back into your life. I wonder whether you think of me as often as I think of you ...
Two years ago I wrote you a letter and sent it to your mother in hopes that she might find the right time and place to give it to you. The letter was short and said three simple things—that my absence from your life was not my choice, that you have another parent who loves you and is very proud of you, and that I would very much like to be a part of your life in any way that I can. I do not know if you received that letter or when you might have read it but I thought that now, since you are a little bit older, it might be an appropriate time to write you again—and to write about a few thoughts that I have.
As I reflect back on my life and attempt to understand how the events that led to our estrangement unfolded, I have to admit that my parents—and I suspect your mother’s parents, too—shared a need to exert their influence on the lives of their children. When your mother and I met, there were more than a few struggles between in-laws for control of our new life together—each set of parents fearing the loss of their child through our marriage. I suspect that there are many parents who feel as though they are losing a child rather than gaining an extended family. I must acknowledge that I was either too naïve or too afraid to recognize this and manage the competitiveness that our respective parents exhibited. Compromise was not something that came easy to family members on either side.
The great joy they all felt at the arrival of you and your sister into the world soon gave way to a struggle for control over your lives, as well. If I could distill what the three years of legal battles were about, I believe that it was quite simply for control over you. As I mentioned in my first letter to you, I relinquished my efforts to maintain contact with you after several years of going to Court. I realize now that nothing I would have done then would have changed the outcome. Had events turned out differently and the Court granted my requests, I can honestly say that I would have never asked you to give up your mother, step-father, or maternal grandparents. I never wanted to compete for your love and affection.
One of things that I miss most about not having you and your sister in my life is the sense of connectedness. Being a part of something bigger than me has always been very important—belonging to a family, a group or club at school, a church, and the company for which I work. I often wonder if you think about your roots, where you came from, or what you inherited from me or your paternal grandparents—whether you miss not knowing your cousins—Melodi and Samantha—or the many great aunts and great uncles that you still have. I wonder whether you think about the connectedness we might share if you knew what interests I have or where I went to school or where I work. I pray that you feel a sense of connectedness in the world—it is so important and so rewarding.
The last thing I wish to share with you is the profound sense of loss that I feel by your absence in my life. I do not know whether you, too, feel a sense of loss or something completely different if and when you think of me—but I am certain that you have felt pain because of what happened so many years ago. Each one of us has paid a price for those events. I believe that the only way for each of us to free ourselves from that pain and the loss is to recognize that there was a desire to influence the lives of our children. To do so does not mean that one party was right and the other wrong—or that one party won and the other lost. What it does mean is that each of us has to set aside our fears of being hurt again by what others might say or do, forgive those who hurt us, and make a decision for themselves that they no longer wish to pay the price for that control. Such a decision will bring healing to each of us. Of this, I am convinced.
As a parting thought, let me say that while I do feel a sense of loss, I also feel a sense of immense pride each and every day when I look at the picture of you I keep at my bedside and mention you in my prayers. I give thanks to the GOOD LORD that He placed you in my life and I am so very grateful for the time we did share. I pray that one day you will choose to seek me out. There is so much of life I wish to share with you. Until then, may the GOOD LORD bless you and keep you all the days of you life.
All of my love to you, my dear daughter ... you are always in my thoughts and prayers ...
