|
|
|
December 07, 2010
Dear Laura and Carolyn— I look at the numbers and I can scarcely believe that nineteen years has slipped by since I last had the privilege of speaking with you and being in your presence. Nineteen years is almost one quarter of one’s life! For the last few years I have had this belief that this December would be the time of our reunion. As you may have figured out, I am fascinated by numbers—especially the numbers 227, 228, and 426—our birthdays, of course! You may know that I turned 54 years old this past February. I realized then that “54” held special significance as it is two times 27 (2×27). And as I included in the above graphic, 19 years is 228 months—also a number of significance! Coincidently, this past Tuesday (November 30, 2010) was my 20,000th day on this Earth. Looking forward a bit—February 04, 2011 will be the 1,000-week (7,000-day) anniversary of our parting. While some folks may think all this number play is silly—and it may be—it has served to keep my hope and my faith alive for all of these years—perhaps it is the GOOD LORD’s way of saying that everything will be alright. And for that, I am truly grateful. Nineteen years of living without someone you care about very,very much is a very, very long time. As I have noted in many of my previous notes to you, the pain I feel at your absence only grows deeper with each passing day, month, and year. The question that has plagued me of late is this—why I have not heard anything from you—no telephone calls, no emails, no letters or cards, not a single peep—nothing during the nineteen years, this despite my many overtures via my letters, cards, and Web postings to connect, to engage in therapy, and to heal. I struggle so with the silence and wonder about its source. I stated in my birthday letter to you, Carolyn, that the reason for this silence might be that you fear me. I also suggested that any such fear may well be the result of things your mother has said about me. In the note I received from “you” in early March 2010 (which I do not believe that you wrote), it says that this is not true—that your mother has not said disparaging things about me. Rather your fear of me is the result of some great atrocity that I am supposed to have committed—ironically an atrocity that exists only because of your mother and her efforts to convince you of its authenticity. While the accusations that have been made against me are serious indeed, you, as an aspiring attorney, Carolyn, should know that I am not guilty until proven innocent—that I have a right to face my accusers and hear all of the charges against me in open Court. I was never given that opportunity to defend myself. Your mother has served as prosecutor, judge, and jury. Your mother’s belief that I am guilty and, therefore, deserve no due process goes contrary to the justice system upon which our country is based. If you have ever read the Final Decree of Absolute Divorce, then you may have noted the infamous estoppel clause at its end. What you may not know is that this clause was inserted by your mother’s attorney—at the last minute—and that I was threatened with criminal prosecution if I did not sign it. Should you ever venture to the Montgomery County Courthouse and retrieve the final copy, you will note that the signature page does not have my signature—rather a short statement that reads the Plaintiff refused to sign the decree. It has always seemed odd to me that I—the accused—have been the one seeking to have my day in Court (I was the Plaintiff in the divorce case). During these nineteen years I have lived my life in a very public manner, posting my music, art, and writing on my Web site. My address and telephone number are public knowledge. Yet the accuser—your mother—blocked every effort to have the Court make a ruling on the accusations, did not follow through on her threats of criminal prosecution, and has sought to live in the shadows—keeping her address, telephone number, and name changes secret. Doesn’t it seem odd that it is the accuser who is hiding? What is she afraid of? I wonder if you know that your mother opted to ignore numerous Court orders during the course of our legal battles (I will be posting these during the next few months). She failed to turn over records during discovery, failed to deliver financial records from bank accounts established for you and your sister with funds from my paternal grandmother, and refused to honor the four hours per month of supervised visitation with you that I was granted by the Court following the divorce. She, along with your maternal grandmother, broke into my residence during a visitation with you and stole my financial and legal documentation several months before our scheduled Court hearing. Your maternal grandfather used intimidation and threats to harass me. These actions do not paint portraits of individuals who believe in GOD, wish to live lives based on the teachings of Jesus, and honor the principles of the Masonic organization of which they are members. No action on my part justifies their behavior. Again—what are they afraid of? Your mother has seen to it that you never had an opportunity to have any sort of relationship with your paternal grandparents. Your paternal grandfather is now passed and you will never know what you might have learned. Why? My parents certainly did nothing to either of you. I know that your mother and your maternal grandfather use fear to achieve their goals. I know this because they created some pretty intense fear within me—fear that if I didn’t accept their terms for the divorce, criminal charges of sexual abuse would be filed against me—fear that I might spend time in jail—fear that they would tell everyone in my life what actions I supposedly committed fear that they would tell everyone in my life about my difficulty with gender. I am so very sorry that I allowed these fears to keep me from you over the years. I am now trying to set those fears aside, reach out to you, make you aware of my journey, and pray that you are now old enough to see things in a different light and judge things for yourself. More recently, I have become concerned that your mother and her family may have created fears in you similar to those they created in me. I suspect that they fear the truth about what did or did not occur almost twenty years ago. It also may be that your mother, and perhaps her parents, is afraid that some secret of theirs might be made public. I suspect that you know about the source of their fears. I wonder what it is they have threatened you with such that you do not reach out to me and share this secret. Removal from wills? Abandonment? Physical harm? I know that they use anger to create fear in those they wish to control. You may simply be afraid of their anger as I was throughout much of our time together. This sort of behavior is known as “bullying” and it is wrong. Even with both of us facing our respective fears of them for nineteen years, I still expect that the GOOD LORD will somehow, someway grant us a miracle and reunite us. I still look out my window when I hear a car going around the bend in front of my house—half expecting that it will be you. But I remind myself that the amount of fear that you would face in contemplating such a trip up to Maryland is no less than the fear I feel every time I am driving by Manassas on Interstate 66. I wonder if I—as the parent—should take the initiative and be the one that drives down to Virginia to contact you—be the one to stare down that last great fear—be the one to step out in faith. I wonder—but I—am also concerned for your health and well-being. I do want so very much to get in my van and drive down to see you on this anniversary. But out of respect for you and your space, I will not make any attempt to pay you a visit. In looking for someway that will allow me to feel as though I am doing something to mark the day, I will make my way to Ben Lomond Regional Park at some point during the day, sit for a spell, and reflect. I have many wonderful memories of pushing you on the swings there—and of taking a hayride on a sunny autumn afternoon despite the fact that the visitations were supervised. Should you decide to stop by the park on your home from work Tuesday, you will find two roses by the swing set—with your names on them. I can think of no other way to honor both your space and my heart. Deep down somewhere inside you must know that I did not abuse you in any way. You must wonder if all of the things that you have been taught about me are true. I pray that by visiting this Web site you will be able to get a glimpse of what is in my heart and mind—that it might somehow give you courage to face whatever fears you might have. As always, my door is open to the both of you. Thank you to both of you for being such incredible blessings in my life! May the GOOD LORD continue to bless each of you with much happiness and health! Much love to you always!
Matthew Chapter 25:40 (King James Version)— 
|
